Just The Messenger

I don’t think I’ve ever experienced so many consecutive wins, so much joy, so much freedom, so much peace (at the same time experiencing such sadness, frustration, loneliness, hopelessness and anger – but we’ll save those feelings for another post) as long as I’ve lived. There was a time kind of like this – four years ago when I first started Gray Matter. I always liken it to having the star on Super Mario – able to move quickly through growth, challenges, opportunities – whole time winning…. invincible… on a mission. Back then, it was like the stars aligned at the perfect time. I was getting press, awards, doors opening left and right. I felt confident in the moves I was making, in my decisions, in my execution. I was purposed and on a mission. I felt like I was living in my purpose and the Universe was responding. That period of time and the feelings that came along with that are just a sliver of what is happening now – of how I’m feeling now. I feel more clear than I’ve ever felt before. More equipped than I ever have before – even if the degrees and work experience don’t truly reflect it.

I feel like there’s finally a space for me to shine the way I was always intended to shine but had always been fearful of the implications of that glow. The responsibility that comes along with it. The requirement to be consistent, follow through, do what I said I would. The scrutiny of others. The imposter syndrome. The doubt, failures and non acceptance. I was always – consciously and subconsciously – afraid to step into my power. I talked myself out of it so many times. And every time I would get close to it, I would shy away for all of the reasons listed above plus 20 thousand more. I never felt worthy enough – special enough – but something in the back of my spirit always told me that was an irrational fear. As I started to become less shy, one of the tactics that helped me to do so, was seeing people for who they really were – most times, just as inexperienced as I believed I was, other times, way less qualified, and almost always – just as clueless as I had claimed to be. I started to see there wasn’t much difference in who I believed I was (the story I told myself) and who they were. And if they deserved to be here – I had just as much a right. That confidence that I built over time that helped me to show up in rooms more like myself – allowed me to command the presence I was always supposed to have and always attracted, but was always too afraid to step into. The confidence, I’m feeling right now, more than ever. Knowing that the work I do is not only necessary, but exactly where I’m supposed to be – right now. I’m grateful that I’ve been able to learn that lesson over time. That I’ve had positive (and negative) experiences that have helped me reshape and redefine my relationship with fear, doubt, insecurity. That I know the best way for me to combat those feelings is to keep leaning in, full press, into that becoming [of who I was meant to be].

Since the start of the year, I’ve had three job offers – one of which I took. I immediately had regrets – how could I manage two full time roles? Yes, the plan was to hire more and do less in the day-to-day with Gray Matter, but the funding wasn’t allowing that to happen as quickly as I would’ve liked. But I leaned in anyway because I knew this was bigger than my understanding of timing or capacity. I accepted the role of Relationship Manager for a venture capital fund led by Don Thompson of Cleveland Avenue – a Black owned Venture Capital firm and Accelerator. I accepted this role because it aligned with everything I believe in and have worked to do on my own and through Gray Matter over the past 4 years. It also just felt right to be working with a mostly Black but very diverse company who is just as committed to the success and progression of Black communities as I am. In this role, I’ll get a chance to identify and fund Black and Brown entrepreneurs that are growing their companies while impacting South and West side communities. I also get the honor of developing the support and resources that will accompany the capital to support the growth of their companies. I’ll share more on this incredible, life-changing opportunity God has afforded me when I have clearance to do so, but the way God just set this one up – I’m just blown away. The addition of this stability and income allowed me to make the leap into searching for my first rental property. 

Owning property was one of the first goals I added to my 2020 Vision Board (my first time ever actually doing a vision board!). While I’ve never been truly fully committed to living in Chicago full time, one thing I came to realize was that if I was really going to make an impact here the way I wanted, I would need to own something in the city – not a business, a physical asset. An investment property allowed me the opportunity to own, but also gave me flexibility for when I do decide to leave Chicago one day. I also could not live in my adorable one bedroom Pilsen apartment anymore. While I couldn’t have asked for a better apartment to carry me through seven of the most influential years of my life, I had completely outgrown the space.

When it came time to think about the neighborhood I wanted to live in I knew it would be on the West Side. I’ve known that, since before I knew I wanted to buy. From the first day I truly learned to accept Chicago for what it was [see:segregated], I was intrigued by the West Side. First, just the lack of resources, but the way that lack affected the neighborhoods and people. I recognized it first in my students. Working with both South and West students and seeing the nuances of the environment played out in the way the students showed up – I knew I wanted to advocate for and build in the West Side. I knew I wanted to get more resources to those communities and knew I wanted more quality options for the residents of those West Side neighborhoods. The longer I’ve lived in Chicago and learned about the West Side, my desire has only grown stronger to see that desire made reality. I started the process of looking for a home last year – but I wasn’t ready. At the time, I was also working with a white male realtor. Not this time. I was intentional that I wanted an all Black team. If I’m gonna eat, we’re all gonna eat. I ended up with exactly what I wanted – an all Black team. Lender, Realtor, Inspector, Lawyer, Seller, Movers – all Black. I don’t know if it was just the Mario Star power or if it was the Melanin Magic, but I had the most enjoyable experience as first time home buyer – and I’ve heard the horror stories. The entire process, I felt like I had family looking out for me. Everyone took their time to educate me – more than I would have expected – on the process, what to look out for, what to do in the future – truly white glove service. I never once questioned anyone’s intentions. I never felt like anyone was trying to get over on me. I felt like they truly all wanted me to succeed. (Shoutout to Tracey, Liz, Wendy, Chuck & RMS Movers!). It made all the difference. This won’t be my last purchase, and I will continue to be intentional about hiring Black for everything that I can – especially major moves like this. I closed on my house on my mom’s birthday and moved in on my nephew’s. Purchasing this property was the best decision I’ve made. I feel like it’s a physical manifestation of my hard work. It’s a reward and incentive to keep going. I feel free in this house. I feel motivated and responsible in this house. I feel the responsibility to make sure this opportunity is afforded to as many people as can – because it’s a basic human right we all deserve – especially Black people. When I tell y’all, how little money I made last year, you wouldn’t believe me (another reason I know God is real) – to now having purchased my own home – ON MY OWN. Not with the husband I thought I would have to have in order to afford a property, not with my parents as a co-signer. Just me. All me….it’s such an incredible blessing and reminder to me – keep leaning in. Literally, anything is possible. 

Not only have I secured a new job and bought a house in the middle of a pandemic, I’ve also been blessed enough to give others employment as well. In the past six months, we’ve hired two additional Full Time employees for Gray Matter. THIS. IS. MAJOR!!! For 3.5 of the organization’s history, I have been running most every function of the organization on my own – with help of course from volunteers, friends and contract help occasionally, but never have we been able to afford the responsibility of supporting another person’s livelihood. And in six months, have been able to provide gainful employment full time to two extremely qualified and talented Black people – in two roles that are pivotal and extremely important to the organization – a Program Manager and an Operations Manager. We’ve hired two alumni interns for the next six months – two incredibly brilliant and capable Black girls that attend Howard and Clark Atlanta University. Our team went from 1 to five in six months. Don’t tell me what God can’t do! The organization has fundraised more this year than its entire history and because all the work we do is with and on behalf of Black communities, we’ve been able to pivot our approach, curriculum and model to better support the needs of our communities. The organization, it’s mission, impact, demand and visibility is finally growing at the rate in which it so rightfully deserves and I’m grateful to have an incredibly talented, dedicated, passionate, competent team to carry out the organization’s mission and the network to help it to continue growing. I am more excited about Gray Matter than I have ever been. The vision I set out to achieve is finally coming to fruition because we finally have the right resources and support to make the vision reality. So much of the internal components have gotten so much stronger and more sustainable. We are now more positioned than ever before for maximum impact. And while COVID has had such unfortunate implications for other organizations, it has forced us to lean in fully and completely into supporting Black business development in the best way we possibly can. It’s raised our visibility and support tremendously and allowed us the opportunity to do what we’re very good at doing – pivot. For the first time in the organization’s history, we’ll be fully virtual and national – giving students in other cities the opportunity to participate in and benefit from our programming and support. We’ve created a model that can be replicated and implemented in other youth serving organizations to empower and equip youth and are slowly working our way into the adult space. It is truly a long time coming but watching it unfold has been the sweetest blossoming I’ve ever gotten to bear witness to – and knowing that it was a vision that came from this purpose God placed in me just truly makes it that much better. 

And because all of these things are going so well, naturally my personal platform is elevating. I’ve been named as one of Chicago’s most Influential and Inspiring people. I’ve been awarded Community Impact Awards and done plenty of media features to talk about my work and the impact it’s having in Black communities – present day and systematically. I don’t say any of this to brag. I say it because I’m in shock.. Of how quickly things can happen – all at once. After so many periods of darkness, moments of loneliness, moments of wondering if what I’m doing even matters. After giving up on self imposed timelines and deadlines of when things were supposed to happen. After thinking the space was oversaturated and there’s no way anyone would hear my voice in the sea of everybody-doing-everything. But here we are. Alive and well. Better than I’ve ever been. With the interior glow matching the external. Feeling fully deserving of every blessing that makes its way into my vortex. And all I want, more than anything else in this world – more than a million more accomplishments and accolades – is for as many people as can, to be able to experience this same level of purpose-driven living. I truly believe it’s the whole reason we’re all here. If more people were operating in their purpose, the same way I am – the key to this Mario Star, it could spur so much positivity, change and energetic shifts within this very scary, sick and strange world we find ourselves living in. My whole purpose in being is to create space and opportunity for others to live in their purpose more freely. Right now that vehicle is entrepreneurship and business development – but at its core, it’s development of people. 

I’m grateful for EVERY SINGLE LITTLE THING happening in my life right now. I’m not disillusioned about the fact that the world around us is crumbling. But I have to keep the faith that the foundations of which this country was built is slowly crumbling. And when the walls start to fall down, this world will need strong, unapologetic, empathetic, capable, compassionate, leaders to fill the void. I want to be one of them and I want to inspire a generation of them. It’s what wakes me up in the morning and drives every decision that I make. I want us free. We deserve that. And until we’re all free, none of us are free. So I’ll enjoy these moments, because they are the fuel to fight another day. 

Photos by Chuck Olu Alabi & Latrice Harris